That is probably one of the questions we ask ourselves so many times in our life, what does it mean? (How do I fit in?)
As I went through my childhood, I can remember coming into school on the first day, and I would ask myself how do I fit in?
Usually, I would find my way or bounce through the different cliques fitting in just a little everywhere… So the question would linger do I fit in? While I was searching for that perfect fit, I never actually found it. Instead, I would see a part of myself in someone else and cling to the sense of “I belong”. Seeking acceptance for a piece of who I am instead of knowing I should be loved for 100% who I am, and I settled for that.
Now donʼt get me wrong, I had “friends” and I generally got along with most people. I was the friend that said yes, even when it meant putting their needs ahead of my own. I was the definition of a people pleaser. However, as an adolescent, you are not always aware of the habits you create. Because fitting in is what we are conditioned to do, not on purpose but it happens.
So tonight, instead of me asking myself how do I fit in? The words were said to me “ we have to see how you fit in here”… I knew the answer, but instead of speaking up I was silent with my thoughts. I couldnʼt breathe, all I could do was hold back the tears of so many years of asking myself that very question. Because this time it wasnʼt; about the girls in school who were prettier than me, or the multitude of other things I would worry about…
This time I knew that not fitting in is exactly what I wanted. This time saying yes without exception isnʼt an option, this time I canʼt fit in, everything inside me is saying stand up for you, love your dreams, and do not compromise who you are.
These are the times I would normally be terrified, but I am no longer asking myself how do I fit in here, but instead I am saying if I donʼt, I will be ok, the brave side of me is here saying NO, it’s your turn to do you and the people that are here with me, they will be my people, these will be the people I do life with.